May 29, 2014


The post you are about to read is inspired by a lady who comes into my work, and have had the absolute pleasure of serving not once, but twice. Now when I say the absolute pleasure, what I really mean is that there is no-one on this planet I would like to serve less than her. When we see her coming, we run and hide because there really is no-stopping what she is about to order.

Let's call her Fran.

The first time Fran walked into my cafe, I thought she looked like most of the other women I see walking around the shopping centre. Children on one side and Woolworths shopping bags on the other. However, she had a bit more of a smug look on her face than the others, and I knew something smug-like would be coming out of her mouth in the form of an annoying coffee order. What is an annoying coffee order you ask? Well let me fill you in...

1. ordering a 'hot' coffee. 
Do you want your milk to be burnt and taste like soy milk that has been sitting in the sun for a few days? No? Okay then, I will make it to the same temperature as everyone elses which is already hot.

2. ordering three take-away coffees with three different types of milk and expect them to be made in one second.
I am not God. I can only heat up one type of milk at a time. If you were in a rush then you probably shouldn't have ordered a soy latte, a lactose free flat-white and a full cream cappuccino...

3. ordering a coffee which makes no sense.
For example, a cappuccino with no chocolate or an iced coffee with no milk.
(I literally had one lady that wanted an iced coffee with no milk so I said "oh, so a long black on ice then?" and she said "NO, an iced coffee with no milk!!!" so I said OK and made her a long black on ice, before taking it out and her saying "there you go, you got it in the end". Yeah, fuck you lady.)

Now, this third point is essential when it comes to Fran. Before I write down what her order is, you may need to take a deep breath.

"Can I please have an extra hot skinny soy decaf cappuccino with no chocolate?"
"Come again?"
"an extra hot skinny soy decaf cappuccino with no chocolate?"

I think she could tell by the state of utter confusion and bewilderment on my face that I was not happy. UH WHAT IS THIS, AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ORDER. Fran thinks she knows a lot about coffee, but if she really did, she would order a decaf soy latte (which is really what that order equates to). She would also know that baristas have approximately 20 other coffees to make at the same time and will most likely make yours last because you are annoying and stupid.

(Moral of the story: if you order a coffee like Fran, please stop.)

Happy Friday err'body.

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